My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
