when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
