Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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