I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize