I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
