I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize