You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
