You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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