She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
