I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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