Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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