Will you blow on my dice?
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
