When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
