Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize