Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
