Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
