He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
