OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
