Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
