i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
