I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
