do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
