And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
