Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
