I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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