i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
