Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
