I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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