i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
