i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
