Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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