I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
