I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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