My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
