the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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