yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
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