i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
