Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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