my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Randomize
