if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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