When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
why is half of my head shaved?
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