Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
