Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Randomize
