you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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