The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
