no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
