Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
So vagazzling was a success
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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