i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
