Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
