i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Houston, we have a squirter
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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