Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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