saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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