just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
