i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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