i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
