Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
