Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
