I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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