Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
