Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Randomize
