I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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