Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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