i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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