have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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